On 3/15/2024 2:33:15am SEEDT (Super Earth Eastern Daylight Time) a major leak around the resurgence of The Illuminates from Helldiver ‘JazzBaddie’ has reached us (1). There were numerous rumors prior to this image being sent to SuperEarth.Life, but it was the first visual confirmation we received. And let me tell you, this looks an awful lot like the Illuminate alright. A century ago, we had fought a war over what were, their “Weapons of Mass Destruction”, only to for it to turn into a particular kind of helldive. Doctrine at the time meant we didn’t split up on pain of death, and they had ways to make that backfire horribly.
Anyhow, many of these stories, without media proof, were discarded by other Helldivers, Super Destroyer Crew members and democracy officers (2) as ‘wild imaginations’ and worse terms which may or may not insinuate immediate execution for the traumatized individual in question if they do not cease their claims. Sure, young cadets sometimes needed some harder handling like a good-old fashioned threat to toss them off a Pelican if they wouldn’t stop their anti-democratic non-sense. But after unfrozen for this war and well… Taking my Liberty-earned ‘vacation’ (more a busman’s holiday), nowadays I get where they are coming from. However for all of you still in service, shut up and do as you are told if you want to live!
The Illuminates did not go extinct during the last galactic war, although I wish they did, those ugly squid heads were a little too competent at war for a “peaceful people”. Rather they disappeared, or rather withdrew (went into hiding), from Humanity’s expansion – or so we have to believe for now. Since we aren’t able to take their account in consideration. Do they even speak English? The Automatons do, under their layers of voice modulation.
What catches my eyes about the circumstances, is how we’ve only seem Illuminate Laser fire only on Helldiver deployments in active conflict zones. Never against civilians or planets that Super Earth considers liberated. There have been no mentions or sightings of blue lasers outside of battlefields which means that, most likely, much like certain reports about Helldivers specifically agitating Terminids (3), the Illuminate are targeting Helldiver personnel in revenge for the previous war. I’ve had to turn in the armour, for obvious reasons, but at least I’m not under that level of fire anymore.
We are keeping our eyes closely on the situation and will update this post as relevant new information comes to (blue) light. And Helldivers, if you want poetic justice when the time comes: Be sure to warm up the Scythe, Sickle, Laser Cannon and Dagger, we really got a “boon” in laser-tech from the Illuminate.
Subscribe below or perish. Knowledge leads to survival.
– Aliveria, Great Galactic War Veteran
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